If I tell you that I love you, will you even be there?

[sovay]

I had a very nice time at a party tonight and I am still exhausted about everything and I think it is adversely affecting my mood and I am beginning to be concerned that my capacities for self-assessment are permanently scrambled. I thought I had gotten most of the land mines out of my head and now I am starting to feel there is nothing else left in there. I can track this downturn to the last month and a half and it tallies with several overlapping medical issues, one of which had a direct and awful mental effect that I am still not convinced has worn off, but it is really just not normal for me to spend this much time having to fight my brain over reality. It is not normal for me to be so reliably upset by people saying nice things to me, or making friendly gestures, or appreciating stories I tell. It is not normal for me to have to tell myself so firmly that they mean it or that it is not a transient glamour whose tolerance will very shortly run out. It takes energy I really do not have to spare and I would like it to stop, thanks. It used to be something I did not have to think about at all.

Comments

[thistleingrey]

it is really just not normal for me to spend this much time having to fight my brain over reality

Much sympathy for this in particular. You continue to be awesome during difficult times, and also, this stuff is utter shit and it sucks. *hugs*

(For my part I will be looking over my shoulder forever after my 2018 difficulties. To me it's not "recovery" but rebuild, never the same again. To me that's kind of acceptable because of the possibility of other strengths I didn't have previously. Mileage varies enormously; I don't mean this as advice and hope it isn't construed thus.)

[sovay]

Much sympathy for this in particular. You continue to be awesome during difficult times, and also, this stuff is utter shit and it sucks.

Thank you.

*hugs*

Mileage varies enormously; I don't mean this as advice and hope it isn't construed thus.

I didn't think you were being prescriptive. I am used to carrying a certain amount of damage; I was also used to having healed from some of it. It feels now as though that was never true. I would prefer to think that I have simply accumulated so much new damage that it's become visible, but I can't afford for it to interfere any more than it is already doing. I had different resources the first time I had to rebuild (which is also how I think of it). I had more time. I don't anymore.

[thistleingrey]

I can't afford for it to interfere any more than it is already doing.

More hugs if and as you would like.

[yhlee]

*support support* I'm sorry things are so rough right now.

[sovay]

I'm sorry things are so rough right now.

Thank you.

*hugs*

[gwynnega]

I'm sorry. That sounds exhausting. ::hugs::

[sovay]

I'm sorry. That sounds exhausting.

It is! And it's not like I have a shortage of exhausting things in my life already! I resent it.

*hugs*

[sasha_feather]

Sorry you are dealing with this. It sounds very hard.

[sovay]

Sorry you are dealing with this. It sounds very hard.

Thank you.

[thisbluespirit]

and I am still exhausted about everything and I think it is adversely affecting my mood

Well, yes, yes it will, unfortunately. In every possible way, definitely including stealing all the value out of compliments and putting stings into innocent comments. /person with chronic fatigue syndrome.

I hope very much things take an upturn for you soon, that this too will pass, and in the meantime, try and be as gentle with yourself as you can. ♥

[sovay]

Well, yes, yes it will, unfortunately. In every possible way, definitely including stealing all the value out of compliments and putting stings into innocent comments. /person with chronic fatigue syndrome.

It's really out of bounds even than what I'm used to.

I hope very much things take an upturn for you soon, that this too will pass, and in the meantime, try and be as gentle with yourself as you can.

Thank you. It seems to be unnecessarily difficult.

*hugs*

[asakiyume]

You are way ahead of many people in recognizing that it's crossed wires (or some other, better metaphor) internally and not a new, grimly accurate reading of the external world.

But YES it is VERY tiring to try to fight. You are so right about that, and I know your reserves for that battle are running on credit right now.

[sovay]

You are way ahead of many people in recognizing that it's crossed wires (or some other, better metaphor) internally and not a new, grimly accurate reading of the external world.

I try to pay attention to objective reality. Even the possibility of Descartes' demon is not an excuse to be a jerk to people, including oneself, which is harder.

But YES it is VERY tiring to try to fight. You are so right about that, and I know your reserves for that battle are running on credit right now.

I just want not to have to do anything. I don't know what happens when I run out of ability to keep moving under the current circumstances and I'm genuinely worried and I don't want to find out.

[callunav]

It is not normal for me to have to tell myself so firmly that they mean it or that it is not a transient glamour whose tolerance will very shortly run out.

Your brain really has you coming and going, doesn't it? No fair.

[sovay]

Your brain really has you coming and going, doesn't it? No fair.

It's not usually this bad. I really can compare and contrast with September. I'm not enjoying the change.

[callunav]

No, that seems pretty definitively unenjoyable.

[sovay]

No, that seems pretty definitively unenjoyable.

(I understate by way of complaint, not because I think it was not obvious from context.)

Thank you.

[callunav]

(I understate by way of complaint, not because I think it was not obvious from context.)

Oh, yes.

[oracne]

UGH, I hope this passes soon.

[sovay]

UGH, I hope this passes soon.

Thank you.

[choco_frosh]

< hugs >

[sovay]

< hugs >

*hugs*

[a_reasonable_man]

Hugs to you.

[sovay]

Hugs to you.

*hugs*

[nineweaving]

*hugs*

Nine

[sovay]

*hugs*

*hugs*

[brigdh]

. It is not normal for me to be so reliably upset by people saying nice things to me, or making friendly gestures, or appreciating stories I tell. It is not normal for me to have to tell myself so firmly that they mean it or that it is not a transient glamour whose tolerance will very shortly run out.

This is the worst feeling. *hugs* I do hope that you're able to get some useful rest soon, and that this passes.

[sovay]

I do hope that you're able to get some useful rest soon, and that this passes.

Thank you.

*hugs*

[pameladean]

That is so hard and exhausting to deal with, and you just shouldn't have to. Brains are so perverse. In a bad way. P.

[sovay]

That is so hard and exhausting to deal with, and you just shouldn't have to. Brains are so perverse. In a bad way.

Thank you. I much prefer when my brain just insists on supplying allusions or quotations no matter what anyone has actually said to me.

[pameladean]

An entirely reasonable preference! Perverse in the good way. Much better. P.

[umadoshi]

*hugs and support*

[sovay]

*hugs and support*

*hugs*