If I tell you that I love you, will you even be there?

[sovay]

I had a very nice time at a party tonight and I am still exhausted about everything and I think it is adversely affecting my mood and I am beginning to be concerned that my capacities for self-assessment are permanently scrambled. I thought I had gotten most of the land mines out of my head and now I am starting to feel there is nothing else left in there. I can track this downturn to the last month and a half and it tallies with several overlapping medical issues, one of which had a direct and awful mental effect that I am still not convinced has worn off, but it is really just not normal for me to spend this much time having to fight my brain over reality. It is not normal for me to be so reliably upset by people saying nice things to me, or making friendly gestures, or appreciating stories I tell. It is not normal for me to have to tell myself so firmly that they mean it or that it is not a transient glamour whose tolerance will very shortly run out. It takes energy I really do not have to spare and I would like it to stop, thanks. It used to be something I did not have to think about at all.

Comments

[thistleingrey]

it is really just not normal for me to spend this much time having to fight my brain over reality

Much sympathy for this in particular. You continue to be awesome during difficult times, and also, this stuff is utter shit and it sucks. *hugs*

(For my part I will be looking over my shoulder forever after my 2018 difficulties. To me it's not "recovery" but rebuild, never the same again. To me that's kind of acceptable because of the possibility of other strengths I didn't have previously. Mileage varies enormously; I don't mean this as advice and hope it isn't construed thus.)

[yhlee]

*support support* I'm sorry things are so rough right now.

[gwynnega]

I'm sorry. That sounds exhausting. ::hugs::

[sasha_feather]

Sorry you are dealing with this. It sounds very hard.

[thisbluespirit]

and I am still exhausted about everything and I think it is adversely affecting my mood

Well, yes, yes it will, unfortunately. In every possible way, definitely including stealing all the value out of compliments and putting stings into innocent comments. /person with chronic fatigue syndrome.

I hope very much things take an upturn for you soon, that this too will pass, and in the meantime, try and be as gentle with yourself as you can. ♥

[asakiyume]

You are way ahead of many people in recognizing that it's crossed wires (or some other, better metaphor) internally and not a new, grimly accurate reading of the external world.

But YES it is VERY tiring to try to fight. You are so right about that, and I know your reserves for that battle are running on credit right now.

[callunav]

It is not normal for me to have to tell myself so firmly that they mean it or that it is not a transient glamour whose tolerance will very shortly run out.

Your brain really has you coming and going, doesn't it? No fair.

[oracne]

UGH, I hope this passes soon.

[choco_frosh]

< hugs >

[a_reasonable_man]

Hugs to you.

[nineweaving]

*hugs*

Nine

[brigdh]

. It is not normal for me to be so reliably upset by people saying nice things to me, or making friendly gestures, or appreciating stories I tell. It is not normal for me to have to tell myself so firmly that they mean it or that it is not a transient glamour whose tolerance will very shortly run out.

This is the worst feeling. *hugs* I do hope that you're able to get some useful rest soon, and that this passes.

[pameladean]

That is so hard and exhausting to deal with, and you just shouldn't have to. Brains are so perverse. In a bad way. P.

[umadoshi]

*hugs and support*