If I tell you that I love you, will you even be there?

[sovay]

I had a very nice time at a party tonight and I am still exhausted about everything and I think it is adversely affecting my mood and I am beginning to be concerned that my capacities for self-assessment are permanently scrambled. I thought I had gotten most of the land mines out of my head and now I am starting to feel there is nothing else left in there. I can track this downturn to the last month and a half and it tallies with several overlapping medical issues, one of which had a direct and awful mental effect that I am still not convinced has worn off, but it is really just not normal for me to spend this much time having to fight my brain over reality. It is not normal for me to be so reliably upset by people saying nice things to me, or making friendly gestures, or appreciating stories I tell. It is not normal for me to have to tell myself so firmly that they mean it or that it is not a transient glamour whose tolerance will very shortly run out. It takes energy I really do not have to spare and I would like it to stop, thanks. It used to be something I did not have to think about at all.

Comments

[thistleingrey]

it is really just not normal for me to spend this much time having to fight my brain over reality

Much sympathy for this in particular. You continue to be awesome during difficult times, and also, this stuff is utter shit and it sucks. *hugs*

(For my part I will be looking over my shoulder forever after my 2018 difficulties. To me it's not "recovery" but rebuild, never the same again. To me that's kind of acceptable because of the possibility of other strengths I didn't have previously. Mileage varies enormously; I don't mean this as advice and hope it isn't construed thus.)

[sovay]

Much sympathy for this in particular. You continue to be awesome during difficult times, and also, this stuff is utter shit and it sucks.

Thank you.

*hugs*

Mileage varies enormously; I don't mean this as advice and hope it isn't construed thus.

I didn't think you were being prescriptive. I am used to carrying a certain amount of damage; I was also used to having healed from some of it. It feels now as though that was never true. I would prefer to think that I have simply accumulated so much new damage that it's become visible, but I can't afford for it to interfere any more than it is already doing. I had different resources the first time I had to rebuild (which is also how I think of it). I had more time. I don't anymore.

[thistleingrey]

I can't afford for it to interfere any more than it is already doing.

More hugs if and as you would like.