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That’s the way it’s been since protozoa
I love my mother.
Last night, she is commenting on the difference between love and a crush—and up to this point, you must bear in mind, she has been speaking in strictly real-world terms, illustrated occasionally with anecdotes from her life in high school. And then: "But there's that obsessive quality to a crush. Because all you can see is the nymph. And then you move in with the nymph and she turns you into a tree."
Something must be done with this.
Last night, she is commenting on the difference between love and a crush—and up to this point, you must bear in mind, she has been speaking in strictly real-world terms, illustrated occasionally with anecdotes from her life in high school. And then: "But there's that obsessive quality to a crush. Because all you can see is the nymph. And then you move in with the nymph and she turns you into a tree."
Something must be done with this.
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Precisely.
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There should be a top ten list or something.
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This is why we need a top ten list.
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The irony, of course, is that the person with a crush will always insist that what they are feeling is love, even when it is clearly not.
Carson McCullers commented about love in The Ballad of the Sad Cafe, but I think her words are actually describing the crush:
"... love is a joint experience between two persons-- but the fact that it is a joint experience does not mean that it is a similar experience to the two people involved. There are the lover and beloved, but these two come from different countries. Often the beloved is only a stimulus for all the stored-up love which has lain quiet within the lover for a long time hitherto. And somehow every lover knows this. He feels in his soul that his love is a solitary thing. He comes to know a strange, new loneliness and it is this knowledge that makes him suffer. So there is only one thing for the lover to do. He must house his love within himself as best he can; he must create for himself a whole new inward world-- a world intense and strange, complete in himself. Let it be added that here that this lover about whom we speak need not necessarily be a young man saving for a wedding ring-- this lover can be man, woman, child, or indeed any human creature on this earth.
"Now, the beloved can also be of any description. The most outlandish people can be the stimulus for love. A man may be a doddering great-grandfather and still love only a strange girl he saw in the streets of Cheehaw one afternoon two decades past. The beloved may be treacherous, greasy-headed, and given to evil habits. Yes, and the lover may see this as clearly as anyone else-- but that does not affect the evolution of his love one whit. A most mediocre person can be the object of a love which is wild, extravagant, and beautiful as the poison lilies of the swamp. A good man may be the stimulus for a love both violent and debased, or a jabbering madman may bring about in the soul of someone a tender and simple idyll. Therefore, the value and quality of any love is determined solely by the lover himself.
"It is for this reason that most of us would rather love than be loved. Almost everyone wants to be the lover. And the curt truth is that, in a deep secret way, the state of being loved is intolerable to many. The beloved fears and hates the lover, and with the best of reasons. For the lover is forever trying to strip bare his beloved. The lover craves any possible relation with the beloved, even if this experience can cause him only pain."
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Are crushes really thought of so negatively? Mine, once I was able to experience mutual shared love have been generally very pleasant and fun. When I worked, briefly as a temp for ING, there was a young lady not too far from my cube whom I dubbed "Lovely Coworker" and for whom I nurtured a secret office crush for about two months, smiling and nodding, maybe daring a hello as we passed one another, until I had to work with her, at which point I learned her name was Jen and that she was a fairly nice, grounded person, decent to work with, and that I liked her, but had no actual romantic interest in her. Right before I went to work there, a year's realtionship had just ended for me and the crush was a big part of my recovery, so I am quite grateful to Lovely Coworker Jen for being the object of my obviously unrequited affection.
I guess my point is that crushes can be wonderful, when you expect nothing from them.
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And then you find out she's been seeing other trees behind your back, and you test positive for aphids and powdery mildew...
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So I would say that the danger sign of an unhealthy crush is when the person with the crush insists on calling it love and thereby insists that it is "more" than a crush. Hence the wisdom of the original anecdote; it's easy to get turned into a tree if you aren't careful.
(Cue the Lumberjack Song here....)
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Someday, I'll sell it for a million dollars, I'm sure.
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Love is decidedly not an experience between two people. In its ideal form of agape it is a perfectly self-contined and one-sided force expressed in one being and directed at others. If it is requited, great. If not, nothing is stopping anyone from continuing to love and cherish.
As well they should.
Has nothing to do with obsession or stalking. Because that's not even love.