In Memphis, on Valentine's Day

[sovay]

Diameter of mental blast crater not diminished. Outside is absurdly springlike following the double-tap of winter that required me to shovel my mother's car out twice, once for the unexpected four inches of snow and then for the glacial swamp the succeeding sleet turned the driveway into. In the process I seem to have inherited the Bat, the stupidest motorcycle jacket I have met in my life. It doesn't have sleeves so much as it has patagia. It is covered with snaps that open into flaps and none of them into pockets. The total design suggests that it may be so heavily constructed because otherwise in a sufficiently stiff gust of wind its owner could achieve accidental unpowered flight. It looks like an opera cape with ambitions of fetish night. My mother insisted on it because I had run out to shovel the first time in my flannel shirtsleeves and the second time my corduroy coat was obviously not adequate to the slush-fall, but it was a present to my father from my grandparents about forty years ago and it looks functionally mint because he has spent most of that time avoiding ever wearing it. In its defense, it is extremely warm and also I look like a tire. There will be no photographs.

Comments

[teenybuffalo]

*big eyes* But what if there were photographs? I ask because this post is comedy gold and I want to go on laughing at your jacket.

[sovay]

But what if there were photographs? I ask because this post is comedy gold and I want to go on laughing at your jacket.

Taken in about fifteen seconds because spatch had to run for an appointment—



(The effect worsens when it's fully zipped and snapped.)

[teenybuffalo]

I'm so glad I asked. I just laughed so loudly I scared the cat. Dear God, you could fit one person in each arm. Thank you for your service.

[sovay]

I'm so glad I asked. I just laughed so loudly I scared the cat. Dear God, you could fit one person in each arm. Thank you for your service.

Our hard work ain't been in vain for nothing!

You see why I had to record the advent of this garment into my life. I cannot imagine its target audience. It seems actively unsafe to wear while riding a bike at speed.

[spatch]

I dunno, I think Babby's First Wingsuit looks just fine.

[sovay]

I dunno, I think Babby's First Wingsuit looks just fine.

BASE jumping for Goths.

[asakiyume]

Okay, I laughed too. OMG. The hanging underarms!!!

The T-shirt saying "I AM IN CONSTANT PHYSICAL PAIN" underneath goes perfectly.

[sovay]

Okay, I laughed too. OMG. The hanging underarms!!!

I realized after the photo had been taken that the sleeves had sort of rucked up about my arms as I pulled it on so that you did not get the full sheets to the wind effect, but you see my point!

The T-shirt saying "I AM IN CONSTANT PHYSICAL PAIN" underneath goes perfectly.

Thank you! selkie sent it to me some years ago. It remains demoralizingly relevant to my life!

[sholio]

WOW. You weren't exaggerating about the sleeves!

[sovay]

WOW. You weren't exaggerating about the sleeves!

It's so much sleeves.

[gwynnega]

That is an amazingly ridiculous garment.

[sovay]

That is an amazingly ridiculous garment.

I have no idea where I am ever going to wear it that isn't shoveling show.

[gwynnega]

It looks like putting it on should send you hurtling into an eighties sitcom.

[sovay]

It looks like putting it on should send you hurtling into an eighties sitcom.

I might need, like, weird earrings to accessorize it.

[genarti]

jalskjal;sjda oh my god I'm so glad to have seen this; what an incredible garment!

I do not say useful, and I do not say sensible, and I do not say flattering on any human form, but I do say incredible with my whole heart.

[sovay]

I do not say useful, and I do not say sensible, and I do not say flattering on any human form, but I do say incredible with my whole heart.

I don't even know who designed it. It has no discernible label. It just came into existence like that.

[umadoshi]

That is one heck of a jacket. *g*

*hugs*

[moon_custafer]

Honestly, if you wore it with black leggings and told me it was Rei Kawakubo, I’d believe it. https://system-magazine.com/issues/issue-2/rei-kawakubo (scroll down for photos of very silly jackets)

[julian]

That.

Well.

I enjoyed the description, at least?

[sovay]

I enjoyed the description, at least?

I am delighted to own it. I couldn't stop laughing. I kept shouting things like "IT'S NOT A POCKET."

[thistleingrey]

In a novel, your father would've been spared it for This Very Moment--but perhaps becoming airborne (safely, of course) would interfere with your other plans for the week.

[sovay]

In a novel, your father would've been spared it for This Very Moment--but perhaps becoming airborne (safely, of course) would interfere with your other plans for the week.

I don't know! It sounds diverting.

[moon_custafer]

I showed the photo to Andrew. He says Acme makes goggles to go with that.

[thistleingrey]

It sounds diverting.

:))

[flemmings]

It has the questionable virtue that one could never wear a backpack with it. Or-- well, any other kind of bag. A bloke's garment, to be sure.

[sovay]

It has the questionable virtue that one could never wear a backpack with it. Or-- well, any other kind of bag. A bloke's garment, to be sure.

I'm just not over the mysterious absence of pockets. I have more pockets in every other outer garment I own including the overcoat from my brother's godfather that looks like a Chicago gangster. I have more pockets in my other leather jacket and that one's a decade older!

[selkie]

It looks like an opera cape with ambitions of fetish night.

I, personally, would look fabulous in it, because I could do half a jumping-jack and look like the personification of a five-pointed cartoon star shape from a Very Sincere Saturday Morning Special. But it's not meant for anyone with razor cheekbones.

I have honest to fuck never seen you look like a duffel bag before. I... I... I don't know.
EDIT: No no, nononono, wait, you look like a sugar glider is what it is!

[sovay]

I, personally, would look fabulous in it, because I could do half a jumping-jack and look like the personification of a five-pointed cartoon star shape from a Very Sincere Saturday Morning Special. But it's not meant for anyone with razor cheekbones.

It's not even the wrong size! The cuffs are appropriate to my wrists and insofar as it has shoulders they fall on top of mine! It's just a fashion crime!

EDIT: No no, nononono, wait, you look like a sugar glider is what it is!

Patagia!

(I've been saying flying squirrel, but the principle is the same. Zipped up, there is also a certain suggestion of spatch's interrupting starfish joke.)

[leecetheartist]

Thank you.

[sovay]

Thank you.

You're welcome!

[asakiyume]

That jacket sounds amazing.

The total design suggests that it may be so heavily constructed because otherwise in a sufficiently stiff gust of wind its owner could achieve accidental unpowered flight. --AMAZING

It looks like an opera cape with ambitions of fetish night. --AMAZING

[sovay]

That jacket sounds amazing.

It's demented. I cannot explain it either aesthetically or functionally. I had no idea it was lurking in my parents' house like some kind of fruitbat of the '80's.

[pameladean]

If one were doing a goth revival of am imaginary Greek play with a chorus of bats, they could all wear jackets like that. It had maybe better be a comedy. P.

[sovay]

If one were doing a goth revival of am imaginary Greek play with a chorus of bats, they could all wear jackets like that. It had maybe better be a comedy.

Aristophanes' Bats.

[poliphilo]

Bother. I was hoping for photgraphs.....

[sovay]

Bother. I was hoping for photgraphs.....

There is regrettably one further up in comments.

[ashlyme]

I don't have any words apart from "good" and "god".

[sovay]

I don't have any words apart from "good" and "god".

It looks relatively normal if bulky on a coat hanger and then you take it off to put it on and it's like trying to gather a parachute out of a field.