Don't think you're immune—it could be happening to you

[sovay]

Nothing has happened recently to highlight it, but I am going through another round of furiously resenting that I had to develop social skills. I did, of course, and people I trust tell me they're good, and I am actively not interested in being a jerk. Other people were a more alien language to me than Akkadian and I learned them. That's an accomplishment. But all I really wanted, even into grad school, was to be good at things and left alone. I thought for years that if the first part were true enough, the second would follow automatically.

Comments

[asakiyume]

Yeah, I like human company, but my tolerance of and active desire for alone time is much higher than a lot of people's, and I can imagine people--maybe you--who have the slider even further in that direction than I do.

ETA: And on the contrary, the better you are at things, I think the more people seek your company--or at least, they certainly don't ignore you harder.

[sovay]

Yeah, I like human company, but my tolerance of and active desire for alone time is much higher than a lot of people's, and I can imagine people--maybe you--who have the slider even further in that direction than I do.

I need a lot of time alone. It's been true my entire life, but it becomes even more true the worse physical or mental shape I'm in, and consequently my baseline for introversion jumped in 2006 and I feel I have been becoming steadily more hermitlike over the last three or four years.

ETA: And on the contrary, the better you are at things, I think the more people seek your company--or at least, they certainly don't ignore you harder.

I was misled by literature and all its solitary geniuses!

[asakiyume]

I have been becoming steadily more hermitlike over the last three or four years.

Poor health and other stressors definitely increase a need for rest and recovery time (comma, said Captain Obvious). I feel too that maybe the number of burdens on us tends to increase with age? So not only has your health gotten worse, the demands the world makes of you have increased. Not fun. (That last observation also brought to you courtesy of Captain Obvious).

[kore]

Yeah, people tell me "If you get out more and do stuff you will feel better!" and while a lot of the time that is true, there's also the spoons problem, and the do-I-want-it-or-am-I-pushing-myself problem. The American attitude of PUSH IT TIL YOU DROP does not help, either.

[cmcmck]

It IS a hell of an accomplishment!

With me it was being who I am rather than who people wanted me to be......

[sovay]

With me it was being who I am rather than who people wanted me to be......

That is also important.

[selkie]

You should be much more forward with how intensely people bore you and how often you'd like to murder them outright. By tossing them off things. Or out of things. Or with a stabby thing. Or a poisonous thing. Or a chokey thing. Or...

Crap, that's ME. Isn't it. Crap.

[sovay]

Crap, that's ME. Isn't it. Crap.

It's a possibility.

I really believed that if I were good enough at what I did, people wouldn't care whether I smiled enough, whether I socialized, whether I could make small talk, whether I dressed well, whether I was good at anything other than the things I needed to be. I got this idea from somewhere. And I look at it now and think: yes, and then the war ends and all of a sudden it matters very much that you're not the marrying kind.

[selkie]

It would be some easier, though not perfect, if you had been born in a male body; male bodies get a lot of passes we don't and they get labelled 'eccentric' over 'antisocial.'

It Makes Me Want to Unironically Die to self-promote; like the work or don't! I made it exist and now it is up to you! ...but it isn't like that. It's been a real thing to learn.

You should save that last sentence for something; it came to you from somewhere good and it stands out like a real gift, even if it hurt.

[sovay]

You should save that last sentence for something; it came to you from somewhere good and it stands out like a real gift, even if it hurt.

Thank you. I will keep it.

*hugs*

[yhlee]

*support support*

I spent a very long time convinced that social skills were stupid and pointless. It was only in college that I started to relent. My need for alone time is probably less than yours but I sympathize with the sentiment.

[sovay]

My need for alone time is probably less than yours but I sympathize with the sentiment.

I appreciate it.

A lot of social ritual feels like lying to me and always has. Even small things like people saying "How are you?" when what they really mean is "You are a person and I am also a person and I acknowledge your presence in this space we both exist in." I understand the uses of it; it just feels fundamentally false to say "Fine, thank you" instead of a real answer. About ten or twelve years ago I just started saying "I'm alive."

*hugs*

[yhlee]

I hear you; I felt the same way about "How are you?"/"Fine, thank you." It took me a very long time to learn that people didn't want a literal answer. Eventually I realized it was social lubrication, but man, a very long time figuring that out.

*hugs back*

[ethelmay]

About ten or twelve years ago I just started saying "I'm alive."

My husband tends to say "Eh, still standing." People are usually fine with that. Admittedly it works better if he says it cheerfully. I think he started saying it during a time when things were pretty stressful, but now it's habit.

[kore]

all I really wanted, even into grad school, was to be good at things and left alone.

Oh God, how I her you there. Sometimes I think that's still all I really want. I know what I'm good at! Let me do it! I know what I'm NOT good at, and that's....90% of what other people want me to do. I can do it, sort of, but not that convincingly, and I can't maintain it, and it feels like half fog half acid.

Anyway. Yeah.

[sovay]

Anyway. Yeah.

Thank you. Non-ironic solidarity amongst lots of people wanting to be alone.

[moon_custafer]

I had about three different people at work throwing projects at me simultaneously today. I think I managed to get them all done, and without snapping at anybody, but I apologized several times to the one who shares an office with me, just in case I *was* snapping and couldn’t hear it, and was told by her to “relax.”

I would *like* to be sociable; there just aren’t that many people I mix with well.

[sovay]

I would *like* to be sociable; there just aren’t that many people I mix with well.

That's an important component. I don't categorically dislike people. I just don't click with many of them and I can't spend all my time around even the ones I like.

[dewline]

I think I know this feeling too well.

[sovay]

I think I know this feeling too well.

*fistbump* ?

[dewline]

Wanting to be (1) good at things and (2) left alone? Oh yes.