Talk of style and glory, but you never pictured me

[sovay]

I wrote: I pay rent on this apartment, but I'm not at home. I haven't had a home for years. I think I will die before I have anywhere I can rest.

We celebrated my mother's birthday at Tryst this evening. When we got home, I lit the candles on the cake my father had made with layers of chocolate angelfood, yellow cake and ganache, and a sauce of sour cherries; my niece who loves tearing paper off things helped my mother unwrap her birthday books. Last night I saw Alex Garland's Annihilation (2018) with spatch and rushthatspeaks; it's a beautiful remix of Jeff VanderMeer's novel and I want to write about it, but first I need the free time in my head and I'm realizing that I just don't get any of that between work and other necessary stresses, not for a long time now. I am not managing to write even about movies I really enjoyed. Fiction, forget it. It feels like suffocating inside my own head. I am hoping to do absolutely nothing with my day tomorrow. I would like to do absolutely nothing with my weekend, but I don't think I can afford it. I would like to do absolutely nothing for a month and then our landlord would move to evict.

There is a line in the song I'm listening to: searching for a song about a love that might have been between anxiety and hindsight. The first time I played it, I heard in between anxiety and Einstein and thought it was some kind of relativity metaphor. I am a little disappointed it was not, although I recommend the album in general. It's good personal-political punk with a non-binary singer-songwriter.

I have Autolycus on my lap and that's nice.

Comments

[lilysea]

Have you seen Feud?

"The first season, which consists of eight episodes, is subtitled Bette and Joan and chronicles the rivalry between Bette Davis and Joan Crawford during and after the production of their 1962 film What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?"

I watched it and thought "I bet sovay would love this!"

ETA: It's a dramatisation, not a documentary. Susan Sarandon is amazing in it.

[sovay]

ETA: It's a dramatisation, not a documentary. Susan Sarandon is amazing in it.

I have not seen it, so thank you for the recommendation. I assume Sarandon is playing Davis?

[lilysea]

Susan Sarandon plays Bette Davis.

Jessica Lange plays Joan Crawford.

Judy Davis plays Hedda Hopper.

Catherine Zeta-Jones plays Olivia de Havilland.

[nineweaving]

Please wish your mother a Happy Birthday from me.

If you can write about Annihilation, I would love to read it. rushthatspeaks says it's amazing.

It is so very hard to live on a virtual Nansen passport. Autolycus and Hestia and spatch are comfort, but all of you deserve a home.

Nine

[sovay]

Please wish your mother a Happy Birthday from me.

I have, and she thanks you.

If you can write about Annihilation, I would love to read it. rushthatspeaks says it's amazing.

I'll try. It is further science fiction that I am more used to reading than seeing on a screen and I liked it very much; it did not interfere with the novel (or vice versa) at all.

Autolycus and Hestia and spatch are comfort, but all of you deserve a home.

Thank you.

[thisbluespirit]

<3

[sovay]

<3

Thank you.

*hugs*

[cyphomandra]

I hope you get some space (mental, physical, personal) soon. Transience is hard. I have been in my current house nearly six years; before that I moved 20 times in 22 years, between three countries. I didn’t realize some of the effects until I stopped.

The cake sounds fantastic.

[sovay]

I hope you get some space (mental, physical, personal) soon.

Thank you.

Transience is hard. I have been in my current house nearly six years; before that I moved 20 times in 22 years, between three countries. I didn’t realize some of the effects until I stopped.

Yes. That's a lot of moves. I moved three times in 2013 and four times between October 2015 and October 2016. It was awful. I've been stationary since, but not in a way that can be permanent or even long-term, and it's stressful.

The cake sounds fantastic.

It was ridiculous. For most of my life, my father cooked but did not bake; he decided to start learning a couple of years ago and the results have been excellent.

[asakiyume]

My dad used to say this about the people who founded Fruitlands: they thought they could work the land by day and then create literature by night, but it turned out the job of farming was so all consuming and crushing that they quickly realized they were either going to fail at farming or never write.

I have a friend I write with (long distance, not in person) on Saturdays, just for a half hour, and she's similarly trapped. Crushing, overwhelming dayjob, poor health, others who are dependent on her. And I know others similarly placed. It's enraging. I'd like everyone to have patrons or grants or whatever--except no: people shouldn't be dependent on others' largess. What I'd really like is for ALL PEOPLE IN SOCIETY to be able to meet their needs without having the process totally destroy them.

[sovay]

My dad used to say this about the people who founded Fruitlands: they thought they could work the land by day and then create literature by night, but it turned out the job of farming was so all consuming and crushing that they quickly realized they were either going to fail at farming or never write.

I believe both parts of that story. I remember visiting the Fruitlands Museum in elementary school, but I don't remember learning much about the commune except that it was extremely short-lived. I take it they failed at farming?

It's enraging. I'd like everyone to have patrons or grants or whatever--except no: people shouldn't be dependent on others' largess. What I'd really like is for ALL PEOPLE IN SOCIETY to be able to meet their needs without having the process totally destroy them.

I like your utopia and wish to subscribe to it.

[negothick]

Oy, Fruitlands. Louisa May Alcott's "Transcendental Wild Oats," based on childhood memories of that very dicey Utopia nails the farming perfectly:
The garden was planted with a generous supply of
useful roots and herbs; but, as manure was not allowed
to profane the virgin soil, few of these vegetable
treasures ever came up. Purslanes reigned supreme,
and the disappointed planters ate it philosophically,
deciding that Nature knew what was best for them, and
would generously supply their needs, if they could only
learn to digest her "sallets" and wild roots.

Full text here: https://public.wsu.edu/~campbelld/engl368/transoats.pdf

[ethelmay]

I have always had the feeling that the Alcotts would have been enormously better off if Abba and Bronson could have swapped gender roles, and had Abba bring in a decent salary working for an established philanthropic institution, while Bronson took care of the kids and ran a small idealistic school that only sometimes broke even. I'm basing this partly on LMA's picture of the Bhaers running Plumfield, which I think was more an idealization of what her parents' marriage might have been than what she would have wanted for herself.

[asakiyume]

I take it they failed at farming?

That's definitely my impression!

[lemon_badgeress]

I'm sorry about all the aspects of this that need sorrow and empathy.

In return, I do ask for some empathy because WE DON'T GET ANY OF THAT CAKE *sits forlornly in snow and points at her open, empty mouth* but in comparison it probably only merits about thirty seconds.

[sovay]

I'm sorry about all the aspects of this that need sorrow and empathy.

I appreciate it. Thank you.

In return, I do ask for some empathy because WE DON'T GET ANY OF THAT CAKE *sits forlornly in snow and points at her open, empty mouth* but in comparison it probably only merits about thirty seconds.

Hee. Empathy extended. *checks watch*

[isis]

That cake sounds yum!

I was reflecting yesterday that I've lived in my current house longer than anywhere else except for the house I grew up in. It won't get a chance to surpass that, though, because we're building a new house (intended to be the forever house) which we hope to move to this fall. I do feel as though I've found my home, in terms of the town I live in, anyway.

Good luck carving out some you-space.

[sovay]

That cake sounds yum!

It was! I should tell my father that people he doesn't know on the internet approve of his baking.

I was reflecting yesterday that I've lived in my current house longer than anywhere else except for the house I grew up in. It won't get a chance to surpass that, though, because we're building a new house (intended to be the forever house) which we hope to move to this fall. I do feel as though I've found my home, in terms of the town I live in, anyway.

That's a good thing to find. I quite like the city I live in; I just feel despairing that I can even afford it and then I feel enraged, because I was born here.

Good luck carving out some you-space.

Thank you.

[jesse_the_k]

If some effective virtual act would help, I'd do it. But virtuality doesn't cut it when the issue is lack of a home.

I can imagine an accessible apartment building atop the Brattle though -- you'd have so much to talk about in the elevator.

[sovay]

I can imagine an accessible apartment building atop the Brattle though -- you'd have so much to talk about in the elevator.

I appreciate the thought, virtual or not.

[gwynnega]

That cake sounds amazing.

I wish you had the home and the mental space you need.

[sovay]

That cake sounds amazing.

It was delicious. My father was unsatisfied with some of the details and has declared his intent to noodle around until he's happier with his angelfood and ganache.

I wish you had the home and the mental space you need.

Thank you.

[ashlyme]

*hugs*

I would love to read your thoughts on Annihilation if you find the energy. Worriers are very good.

[sovay]

I would love to read your thoughts on Annihilation if you find the energy.

I'm really going to try. I just need time.

*hugs*