And you just wanted to name your children after beautiful things

strange_selkie requested I translate Catullus 15. I admit I wouldn't have filed it under "hands off my boy-toy," but only because I have always considered "radishes up the ass" an especially memorable image. Otherwise the rest of it is pretty accurate. "Give me back my stuff, expressed beautifully" is at least two poems that I can think of. "Screwed by politicians" introduced me to a whole sexual vocabulary. Anyway, Catullus 15:

I commend myself and my lover to you,
Aurelius, I come with a modest request
that if ever you desired in your spirit
something you would want chaste and untouched,
keep my boy safe, modestly, for me—
I don't mean from the crowd, I have no fear
of those who this way and that on the street
pass by pursuing their own affairs,
frankly it's you and your cock I'm afraid of,
a menace to good boys and bad alike.
Employ it wherever you like, however you like,
however often, whenever you get the chance outdoors,
this one is off limits—modestly, I think.
Because if an evil mind and senseless fury
drive you like a blasphemer to such a crime
that you assault me with double-dealings,
oh, you poor bastard, then an evil fate is yours
because with your feet bound and your gate wide open
mullets and radishes are going to run you through.

Radishes up the ass: a possibly apocryphal punishment for adulterers mentioned in Aristophanes' Clouds: when Stupid Logic attempts the argument that adultery is cool because Zeus got away with it all the time, Reasonable Logic retorts (lines 1083–84),

Τί δ᾿ ἢν ῥαφανιδωθῇ πιθόμενός σοι τέφρᾳ τε τιλθῇ,
ἕξει τινὰ γνώμην λέγειν τὸ μὴ εὐρύπρωκτος εἶναι;

But what if he should get radished from listening to you, and plucked with ashes—
will he have any defense that he's not a wide-ass?¹

The fish appears to have been Catullus' addition. Juvenal invokes a similar threat about a century later, minus the radishes. I have no idea if there is any evidence for the real-life practice of this punishment rather than ouchy literary allusions.

Bonus: while looking through Craig Williams' Roman Homosexuality (2010) to see if he had anything to say about the radishes (he didn't), I ran into the following graffito from Pompeii (Corpus Inscriptionum Latinarum 4.2360):

amat qui scribet, pedicatur qui leget,
qui opscultat prurit, pathicus est qui praeterit.
ursi me comedant et ego verpa(m) qui lego.

"Who writes [this] loves, who reads [it] is fucked,
who listens gets horny, who passes by takes it in the ass.
May bears eat me and me [eat] a dick who reads [this]."

Which is, you know, not especially how I think of the writer-reader contract, but I am disappointed in the grade of graffiti to be found in this city. I have never read anything that meta on a bathroom wall in Boston.

1. Because this is Aristophanes, of course, Stupid Logic ends up proving that a reputation for being anally penetrated is a resounding non-threat, because everybody who is anybody in Athens c. 423 BCE—lawyers, playwrights, orators; the audience—has engaged in same at one time or another, so Reasonable Logic yields the stage. I disagree with most of the rest of the play, but I am totally with Stupid Logic on this one.