Do you happen to have a pair of birds that are just friendly?

I don't care that it may have eventually paved the way for Piranha 3D, The Birds (1963) is actually quite an effective piece of apocalyptic fiction/survival horror—it has a lot more in common with Night of the Living Dead (1968) than Jaws (1975)—but I wish large portions of the audience had not felt compelled to treat it like Mystery Science Theater 3000. I had come to see a big-screen showing of a Hitchcock film I had only seen in pieces, on television. I can only conclude they had come for a classic of high camp; there were waves of laughter at each bird attack, at each death, at moments of tension or chaos. The couple sitting next to me were particular offenders, miming voices for the characters, interjecting mock-warnings Rocky Horror-style. Several times I thought of yelling for everyone to just shut up and watch the movie; I hate people when they cannot take art on its own terms and decide that it's more fun to snicker at the old-fashioned special effects than pay attention to the story. Yes, those are trained crows. Yes, that's fake blood. Yes, the sodium vapor process is not as seamless as CGI, yes, rear projection doesn't look like location shooting and never did, yes, that's a cloud of starlings pouring down the chimney and Tippi Hedren turning her face back and forth in silent-movie anguish—but if you find the premise and the execution of a film inherently amusing, how about you rent and mock it on your own time and stop interfering with the atmosphere it might create for someone else? Thank God, the audience became more subdued in the last third of the movie, which is increasingly claustrophobic and more about suggestion than action until all of a sudden it's not (affording, I suppose, fewer opportunities for the cheaply risible), and I was in fact able to filter out the earlier noise, but I would prefer not to have needed to. I don't understand. Maybe I'm jaded, but not every movie is a post-ironic parody of itself; it shouldn't be treated as such.

I wrenched the nylon curtains back as far as they would go

Oh, crap.

I'm going to go listen to "Oh Bondage, Up Yours!" about a dozen times now.