I was grooming myself for oblivion and I made it

[sovay]

Having read Dashiell Hammett's The Glass Key (1931) for the first time this weekend, I went looking for information on some elements of the plot and discovered in the process that everything I noticed about Jeff Hartnett in Johnny Eager (1942) had already been observed by Gaylyn Studlar in "A Gunsel Is Being Beaten: Gangster Masculinity and the Homoerotics of the Crime Film, 1941–1942," published in Lee Grieveson, Esther Sonnet, and Peter Stanfield's Mob Culture: Hidden Histories of the American Gangster Film (2005).

It's a good article. She's looking at queerness in The Maltese Falcon (1941), The Glass Key (1942), and Johnny Eager, which is exactly the sort of thing I enjoy seeing written. It seems to have put me into some kind of crashing anxiety spiral. I recognize that the healthy way to take this news would be to feel validated. I didn't read too much into the movie: I saw exactly what there was to see. (The fact that we cite most of the same lines feels like an argument for intentional barely-sub-text instead of slash goggles.) Instead my current train of thought is running straight into total demoralization: I worry enough about having nothing original or interesting to say. I feel that if I actually read about film the way I write about it, I would have known I wasn't discovering anything with Johnny Eager. I'm wondering now what else I've spent hours trying to articulate properly that someone else has already done the work on and I just haven't found out yet. I am second-guessing my entire resolve to collect my reviews professionally, if they're just going to be ignorant recaps of actual scholarly material.

Basically, this is terrible. The last film criticism I ran into that agreed with me—Carolyn Dinshaw's How Soon Is Now? Medieval Texts, Amateur Readers, and the Queerness of Time (2012), which I have been meaning to recommend to several people on this friendlist for obvious reasons as well as the rather more personal one that she writes seriously about Colpeper and A Canterbury Tale (1944) and goes even farther than I do in linking his sexuality to the land—I was delighted. But for whatever reason, this one just feels like proof of all the things I try not to believe are true. And it's been there since I was in grad school, since before I even really cared about film. I just didn't know. I should know these things.

Comments

[thawrecka]

You're just having a bad time and everything makes you feel worse, is all. I always find money worries cause me to have a negative self-worth spiral, too, FWIW.

[sovay]

You're just having a bad time and everything makes you feel worse, is all.

I suspect you are right; I know I'm under long-term unsustainable stress and while I had a good weekend, it was also full of people and timetables and I did not have a chance to do any recovery before plunging back into the work week. It just feels like hey, look, this thing you were so excited to discover, it was already known and named and you did nothing except look really ignorant about it in public and now I have to argue with it. It's just tiring.

I always find money worries cause me to have a negative self-worth spiral, too, FWIW.

It makes sense to me. I don't even believe in the Protestant work ethic, but it does feel like being told I'm not a productive, pulling-my-own-weight enough member of society to keep alive.

[yhlee]

*support support*

[sovay]

*support support*

Thank you.

[justice_turtle]

Please feel free to bop me with a dime novel if this is unhelpful or out of line, but my first reaction is "If you were delighted the last time this happened, then maybe the anxiety feelings are spilling over from the rest of your life because you're under a lot of stress right now and brains are assholes". (Well, my first articulate reaction. My very first reaction is to anyone feeling anxious is to offer hugs, but I seem to recall you don't find that helpful, so I won't.)

For what it's worth, I find all your film writing fascinating and insightful. (I think I originally followed you because Lost_Spook linked your Sapphire & Steel review and I was like "This person words good", because when somebody else's words are too good all of mine go away.) I don't read much about movies other than your blog, or indeed watch many movies, which one could interpret to mean that my opinion is irrelevant because I don't know what the shit I'm talking about, but I prefer to interpret it to mean that you're reaching a wide audience, not all of whom would necessarily run up against these kinds of scholarly opinions if they stayed limited to more scholarly formats like print. ^_^

Um. Did any of that help? :S

[sovay]

(Well, my first articulate reaction. My very first reaction is to anyone feeling anxious is to offer hugs, but I seem to recall you don't find that helpful, so I won't.)

I appreciate it as a gesture; I don't find it insulting. It just doesn't in most cases make me actually feel better.

Um. Did any of that help?

Yes. Reality-checking the anxiety spillover is useful and I take it as a real compliment that someone who is not normally interested in movies reads—enjoys—my reviews. Thank you. Now I just have to get the rest of my brain to believe it.

[lemon_badgeress]

I am another person who really enjoys reading your review -- enough that I'm now backing your Patreon! -- and until this year I could count the number of movies I'd bothered to watch in the last decade on the fingers of one hand.

Honestly, I think it's really cool that you can dig up all of this stuff on your own, just from paying attention and thinking, and then have it validated by 'professionals'.

[sovay]

I am another person who really enjoys reading your review -- enough that I'm now backing your Patreon! -- and until this year I could count the number of movies I'd bothered to watch in the last decade on the fingers of one hand.

Thank you for the backing! I would be honored even if you were just following the reviews, but I appreciate the financial encouragement profoundly and will work on getting it through my head that people don't generally pay for things that bore them. Do you mind if I ask if the reviews make you want to see the films, or just enjoy reading about them?

Honestly, I think it's really cool that you can dig up all of this stuff on your own, just from paying attention and thinking, and then have it validated by 'professionals'.

I think that's a much healthier attitude to take than the one my brain went with, and I will endeavor to adopt it.

[thisbluespirit]

*seconds pretty much all of this*

It does sound like the sort of thing brains do when you're in a v bad place, and then everything is negative. :/

Your reviews are well worth reading - and well worth writing.

[sovay]

Your reviews are well worth reading - and well worth writing.

Thank you. My brain has not been in a good place for a long time now; I need a lot of things to change. I am going to keep writing, and working on believing it.

[genarti]

I don't read much about movies other than your blog, or indeed watch many movies, which one could interpret to mean that my opinion is irrelevant because I don't know what the shit I'm talking about, but I prefer to interpret it to mean that you're reaching a wide audience, not all of whom would necessarily run up against these kinds of scholarly opinions if they stayed limited to more scholarly formats like print.

I cosign and second every word of this!

I don't watch a great many movies (and a large portion of what I do watch is movies for which skygiants says "Hey, I think you might like this, let's watch it" to me specifically.) I also don't go looking for movie reviews or criticism very often. But I am always interested by your movie reviews, and I always read them with great enjoyment even when I don't comment. Even when a movie doesn't seem like something I'd enjoy watching, I'm always fascinated by how you write about them and what you see in them.

[sovay]

But I am always interested by your movie reviews, and I always read them with great enjoyment even when I don't comment. Even when a movie doesn't seem like something I'd enjoy watching, I'm always fascinated by how you write about them and what you see in them.

Thank you. That does matter, and I appreciate you making sure I hear it.

[davidgillon]

If you extend your argument, then most film critics are just recapping each other. There's a movie at the core of everyone's criticism, and it's the same movie, with the same plot and characters and themes both conscious and unconscious. A certain intersection of insights is only to be expected.

You write fascinating reviews, I don't particularly care if someone else has made the point elsewhere, because you make that point your own and you make it well.

[sovay]

You write fascinating reviews, I don't particularly care if someone else has made the point elsewhere, because you make that point your own and you make it well.

Thank you. I don't know why this one hit so badly. It may just have been timing.

I need so much less impostor syndrome than I have.

[davidgillon]

I need so much less impostor syndrome than I have

This. For both of us.

[sovay]

This. For both of us.

*hugs*

[asakiyume]

This, in spades. Your insights are worthwhile (very!), but what makes your reviews unique, what makes me passionate about them, is the language you use when writing about characters and their feelings. I've said this before, but you make reading about a movie as good as watching a movie--not in a giving-away-the-plot way, but because reading you is by turns tense making, hilarious, enraging, deeply moving, and thought provoking. You can capture an actor--and you can capture a character (and the two are not the same, and you do both)--in such incisive, breathtaking ways. Directors could read your reviews and weep with relief and wave their laptops around going "THIS! THIS is why I make films, because people can feel and see THIS."

... Yeah, no one else does that. Seriously.

[sovay]

You can capture an actor--and you can capture a character (and the two are not the same, and you do both)--in such incisive, breathtaking ways.

Thank you. That matters a lot to me to hear—it's something I value, in my own writing and others—and I think it's one of the things I'm having trouble believing is worthwhile in its own right, at least when I do it. Thank you for saying it again.

[kore]

I've said this before, but you make reading about a movie as good as watching a movie--not in a giving-away-the-plot way, but because reading you is by turns tense making, hilarious, enraging, deeply moving, and thought provoking. You can capture an actor--and you can capture a character (and the two are not the same, and you do both)--in such incisive, breathtaking ways.

YES THIS. Actually not a lot of people write about movies this way. It is precious.

[sovay]

YES THIS. Actually not a lot of people write about movies this way. It is precious.

I am trying to make myself believe that it's precious when I do it, not just when other people do. I appreciate the reinforcement.

[jesse_the_k]

Yet another person here for the vicarious delightful of watching you think about movies.

[sovay]

Yet another person here for the vicarious delightful of watching you think about movies.

Thank you.

[swan_tower]

Your insights are worthwhile (very!), but what makes your reviews unique, what makes me passionate about them, is the language you use when writing about characters and their feelings.

I don't normally wish Dreamwidth had a "like" button, but I want to spam one right now.

Late to this party because I'm wildly behind on my RSS feed, but this made me think of fiction and the general truism that there are no new plots. I don't care whether somebody somewhere in a book I've never heard of has told a similar story or had a similar observation. I care that this is the place where I've encountered that tale or that epiphany, and that the execution of it is beautiful. I have a file on my computer where I save bits of description to help inspire me to get better at it, and in catching up on your posts today the most recent addition to the file is "the bitter little lines of his brows and mouth stand out like scars." You have your own section in the file. Nobody else has that except me, where I'm keeping a list of the interesting descriptive lines I come up with in the hopes that eventually I'll be able to do it as well as you do, or even half so well.

This isn't exaggeration. It was your movie posts that made me think, "description, I want to be better at it -- especially description of people -- maybe if I study sovay for long enough I'll learn how."

you make reading about a movie as good as watching a movie

I'd say better than. Because the other thing I'm trying to learn is the ability to see these nuances in the first place -- not to just absorb the surface experience or see through to the underlying structure (which is a skill I do have), but to bring all the little touches of character into high relief. I need the free time and the access to watch more of these movies after reading reviews of them, so I can compare the map to the terrain.

[asakiyume]

High fives, fellow Sovay-appreciator. I've looked at her poems and descriptions too, for How She Does It. Wonderful talent.

[sovay]

Late to this party because I'm wildly behind on my RSS feed

Late replying to this comment because of work and plumber and power outage, so do not worry.

I have a file on my computer where I save bits of description to help inspire me to get better at it, and in catching up on your posts today the most recent addition to the file is "the bitter little lines of his brows and mouth stand out like scars." You have your own section in the file. Nobody else has that except me, where I'm keeping a list of the interesting descriptive lines I come up with in the hopes that eventually I'll be able to do it as well as you do, or even half so well.

I really don't have a good response to this. Thank you. This—

This isn't exaggeration. It was your movie posts that made me think, "description, I want to be better at it -- especially description of people -- maybe if I study sovay for long enough I'll learn how."

—is an astonishing thing to hear and I believe you, even if I am having trouble making my self-esteem feel the same way. Thank you for telling me. That is not an effect I expected at all from starting to wite about film.

I need the free time and the access to watch more of these movies after reading reviews of them, so I can compare the map to the terrain.

I hope they live up to their reports. I try very hard to write about the movies I actually see, not the movies I'd project.

[swan_tower]

This is an astonishing thing to hear and I believe you, even if I am having trouble making my self-esteem feel the same way. Thank you for telling me.

I know that the gut/subconscious/brain chemicals/however you want to term it do not necessarily respond to facts, but I figure there is little if any harm in applying them regularly anyway.

[moon_custafer]

To quote Dr. Buckaroo Banzai, “if it was obvious, everybody would be doing it every day.”

You and one other critic hardly constitute “everybody.”

[sovay]

You and one other critic hardly constitute “everybody.”

Thank you.

I have to listen to Dr. Banzai.

[alexxkay]

Also "Hey, hey, hey. Don't be mean. You don't have to be mean. 'Cause remember: no matter where you go, there you are." This includes being mean to yourself.

[asakiyume]

English accent voice: "She's right, you know."

[selkie]

*sneaks in, grabs Tiny Wittgenstein, chloroforms him with prejudice*

There is nothing new under the sun but that doesn't mean you can't point out eloquently and with delightful, illustrative language when a guy likes dick. Thematic, metaphorical dick.

You do good things. Now I am going to remove your brain and give it a week on Plum Island. It can stay in that abandoned pink weird house and watch the sawgrass sway.

[sovay]

There is nothing new under the sun but that doesn't mean you can't point out eloquently and with delightful, illustrative language when a guy likes dick. Thematic, metaphorical dick.

Hey, in the case of Jeff Hartnett, I'm pretty sure it's not even a metaphor.

You do good things. Now I am going to remove your brain and give it a week on Plum Island. It can stay in that abandoned pink weird house and watch the sawgrass sway.

That sounds lovely. Can I join my brain or will that spoil the point?

Thank you.

*hugs*

[gwynnega]

This sounds like a bad attack of impostor syndrome. Even if you draw some of the same conclusions about films that other writers do, your film writing is elegant and interesting and unique.

[sovay]

Even if you draw some of the same conclusions about films that other writers do, your film writing is elegant and interesting and unique.

Thank you.

I'm not sure why finding this article felt so much like a punch in the head. It doesn't seem proportionate to either the article or the film. But it just went off like a bomb.

[thistleingrey]

*supports*

Dinshaw is very, very smart. I haven't read that book, but I've read a good chunk of her earlier work. That said, there's room for many voices, and you are also very, very smart.

[sovay]

*supports*

Thank you.

Dinshaw is very, very smart. I haven't read that book, but I've read a good chunk of her earlier work.

I'd never read her before; I gathered that she does not work primarily with film, but her analysis of A Canterbury Tale is—barring one place I think she's just wrong, and that happens—the best and closest I've encountered. What else do you recommend?

That said, there's room for many voices, and you are also very, very smart.

I appreciate and strongly prefer the existence of other smart people, even when I am in terrible mental shape. I never want other people not to be intelligent or perceptive; I just want to feel that I am not so totally trailing the pack.

[thistleingrey]

Getting Medieval is the thing people know, for good reason. I can't vouch for all of it (it's been quite a long time, and scholarship may also be visited by the suck fairy), but I remember clearly that the talks that emerged from it showed heart in the right places. (And I've read parts.)

The many voices thing is not a pack thing, and for the better, IMO. Sometimes they coincide, sometimes not.

[sovay]

The many voices thing is not a pack thing, and for the better, IMO. Sometimes they coincide, sometimes not.

Thank you.

[shewhomust]

As an undergraduate, I suspected I was less clever than my peers because they read criticism and I just wanted to do close reading of the text. Forty years on, I have the certificate to say I'm not dim. And the attitude to say that a personal close reading is always worth doing. And you do it so well.

(That's a steamroller in the icon. I don't hug, I'm British.)

[sovay]

Forty years on, I have the certificate to say I'm not dim. And the attitude to say that a personal close reading is always worth doing. And you do it so well.

Thank you. From inside my head, it feels very hard to tell.

(That's a steamroller in the icon. I don't hug, I'm British.)

Steamrollers are accepted and appreciated.

[cmcmck]

'A Canterbury Tale' is the greatest film of all time! :o)

[sovay]

'A Canterbury Tale' is the greatest film of all time!

It stands a very good chance of being my favorite.

[asakiyume]

As others have said, it's likely the vicious burden of stress that is letting Tiny Wittgenstein get so much airtime in your mind.

But this moment will pass.** I wonder if Gaylyn Studiar has a Tiny Wittgenstein too. I wouldn't be surprised if she does; they're disconcertingly common. You can't see it in a professional bio, of course; in *those*, people are unapproachable gods. Like the person I know who reads a million dead languages and has a Kuiper belt object named after them.

**would pass much sooner if we had universal income and healthcare but that's a conversation for another day....

[sovay]

As others have said, it's likely the vicious burden of stress that is letting Tiny Wittgenstein get so much airtime in your mind.

It was just from a direction I wasn't expecting. And it stopped me from writing about anything yesterday, even after I had finished my work for the day, which I really cannot afford.

Thank you.

Like the person I know who reads a million dead languages and has a Kuiper belt object named after them.

It's only three dead languages! Yiddish isn't dead!

would pass much sooner if we had universal income and healthcare but that's a conversation for another day....

Yes, but I don't disagree! The current status quo is stupid.

[asakiyume]

Three, a million--these distinctions are mere quibbles.

Yes, it truly is.

[kenjari]

I really like your film writing, and I agree with what everyone else has said about the quality of it and your insights.
As for finding the same observations you have made in another article, that absolutely does not invalidate you as a film critic or the writing you produce. I was just in the Beethoven section of my music library and counted 4 biographies published since 2005 alone (and that was just a very quick, casual count). I am completely certain that were I to read all 4, I would find several of the same points about Beethoven and his work being made. And no one is calling any of those musicologists impostors, derivative, etc.

[sovay]

I really like your film writing, and I agree with what everyone else has said about the quality of it and your insights.

Thank you.

I am completely certain that were I to read all 4, I would find several of the same points about Beethoven and his work being made. And no one is calling any of those musicologists impostors, derivative, etc.

I will try to keep this in mind. It just occurred to me that this particular crash may have been an especially abstruse form of the devaluing of skills one actually has—sure, I can describe characters, but anybody can describe characters, it's just like retelling a story, anybody can do that.

[swan_tower]

sure, I can describe characters, but anybody can describe characters, it's just like retelling a story, anybody can do that.

AHAHAHAHAH HI THERE no.

I said it above, and I know I've said it to you before, but this really is something I struggle with. I can describe characters in a basic way, sure. But I can't do the thing you do, where the description becomes insight -- in brief flashes once in a blue moon, maybe, but you do it consistently. I don't know how much if any of my fiction you would like, and I know you don't have much spare time, but if you want a vivid illustration of the difference, pick up something I wrote: I promise I will not be offended when you notice that compared to your writing, my descriptions are frequently as flat as pancakes.

[sovay]

I don't know how much if any of my fiction you would like, and I know you don't have much spare time, but if you want a vivid illustration of the difference, pick up something I wrote: I promise I will not be offended when you notice that compared to your writing, my descriptions are frequently as flat as pancakes.

I don't know if I should read your fiction for the express purpose of making you feel weird about a skill you are working on, but I take your point.

(I thought "The Şiret Mask" was fantastic.)

[swan_tower]

I don't know if I should read your fiction for the express purpose of making you feel weird about a skill you are working on, but I take your point.

Nah, it would be for the express purpose of helping you see more clearly what it is that you do and not everybody does. I mean, what you said about "anybody can do this" -- that's exactly the logic that gets up my nose when people talk about how someday they're going to write a book, as if there's no skill or practice required. I think they think of "writing a book" as being about using words and typing, and hey, they use words and type every day! They can write books, too! They don't see the expertise that goes into making those words interesting. You're approaching it from the other side, the one where the expertise is so ingrained that it's invisible to you. And much like how sometimes it's easier to deconstruct a thing that doesn't quite fit together right in the first place, it might be easier to see your own skill if you look at something else for comparison.

I don't feel weird about not being as good at this as you are. I just feel like it's a thing I can work on improving.

(I thought "The Şiret Mask" was fantastic.)

Thank you! And thank you, once again, for linking to that post about Fillibus. I, er, may be working on something related to that right now . . . <shifty look>

[sovay]

And thank you, once again, for linking to that post about Fillibus. I, er, may be working on something related to that right now . . .

*suppressed yay*

[drwex]

In our household we refer to these things as "brain weasels" and they are a constant concern. I'm sorry that your brain weasels appear to be attacking you and hope you find a good antidote soon.

[sovay]

I'm sorry that your brain weasels appear to be attacking you and hope you find a good antidote soon.

Thank you.

[kore]

Yeah, that sounds like your brain beating you up. I don't know this other person and don't know how well they write (and in fact most academic writing puts me off). I love films and love how you write about them. That counts.

[sovay]

I love films and love how you write about them. That counts.

It does. Thank you.

Your reviews and the badassery thereof

[shelivesdeliciously]

Another long time reader chiming in here to say that your informed, insightful and poetic reviews consistently level bad movies up to fascinating and good movies up to fantastic. Reading about someone else catching the same things you caught in a movie, far from making you look ignorant (which fwiw does not even compute, it's like trying to imagine an orange bluejay), I'm guessing made most of us immediately think "that reviewer must be ridiculously clever to catch the same things as Sovay. Yay for the existence of such people!" Very much hoping things start looking up for you (literally looking up can make you feel better, it's some weird psychological thing, I recommend it).

Re: Your reviews and the badassery thereof

[sovay]

Another long time reader chiming in here to say that your informed, insightful and poetic reviews consistently level bad movies up to fascinating and good movies up to fantastic.

Thank you so much for chiming in. That's a wonderful thing to hear, honestly ideal for the reasons I write about movies (they interest me and I hope to communicate why). I am working on getting my self-esteem more into alignment with reality and I appreciate the encouragement.

Very much hoping things start looking up for you (literally looking up can make you feel better, it's some weird psychological thing, I recommend it).

Thank you. I got out of the house this evening and spent about an hour walking around in the late sunlight, which I think did not hurt.

Like tipping your head back and studying the ceiling helps, or just glancing up from time to time will do it?

Re: Your reviews and the badassery thereof

[shelivesdeliciously]

:) Walking helps, too. There is an arboretum near me full of rabbits and owls, and I never feel worse for visiting them. Good question haha: I don't know for sure, but I find that tilting my head back works better than just glancing, but ymmv? I think in (perhaps pseudoscientific) theory it's just something people tend to do when they are looking out rather than in, which can be a way to reset if you feel like you're getting stuck in the same thought patterns. It has a similar sort of effect as looking at the sea, for me. I suppose ideally you want either a really interesting ceiling, or an expanse of sky.