Dudley Do-Right's such a jerk

[sovay]

Long before I actually read or saw anything that would qualify as a traditional Victorian melodrama, I learned a thirty-second parody of the genre from my grandmother, who performed it in three voices with the aid of a napkin doubling (tripling?) for the whiplash moustache of a villain, the hair-bow of a damsel in distress, and the bowtie of a hero. The immortal dialogue ran as follows:

"I've come to collect the rent."
"I can't pay the rent!"
"I've come to collect the rent."
"I can't pay the rent!"
"I'll pay the rent!"
"My hero!"
"Curses, foiled again!"

Did anyone else's relatives ever pull this out at family dinners, or was it just me? It has the feel of a time-honored piece of shtick, but I can't remember ever running into anyone else who knew it—admittedly, I've never asked point-blank. I assume now it will turn out to be one of those things everyone gets from their grandparents at an impressionable age. Internet?

Comments

[steepholm.livejournal.com]

It's new to me - although it may be that my grandparents died before they had a chance to pass it on (I was only seven when the last one popped off). I shall watch my mother closely, though, to see if she does it to my children.

[nineweaving.livejournal.com]

I got it at summer camp, circa 1960. Largely Jewish girls from the Northeast and Canada. We did a slight variant:

"You must pay the rent."

"But I can't pay the rent."

Nine

[zdenka]

I learned it at public school, I think -- the same variation as nineweaving.

[joshwriting.livejournal.com]

A Mellerdrama (as I learned it, with a bow shifting from hair ribbon to mustache to bowtie)

Murgatroyd: "You must pay the rent."

Nell: "But I can't pay the rent."

Murgatroyd: "You must pay the rent."

Nell: "But I can't pay the rent."

Murgatroyd: "Then you must marry me!"

Nell: "No, not that!"

John Dalton: "I'll pay the rent!"

Nell: "My hero!"

John Dalton: "My Nell!"

Murgatroyd: "My money!"

Grandfather: "My, my, I knew the U.S. Marines would come through in the end!"

http://burtleburtle.net/bob/scout/rent.html has the version without the threat of marriage.

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

We used to do it at my house, when I was a kid, too.

[barry-king.livejournal.com]

We moved from DC to Tunis around 1975. Among the culture-capsule of books we took with us was a dog-eared copy of "Zoom", which was the accompanying book to the launch of the WGBH children's show (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F7gzHLKT5g4) of the same name. Somewhere within was a B/W photo-montage of the schtick being played with an accordion-folded sheet of paper acting, in turn, as moustache, hair-bow, and bow tie. I believe the alternate page was the lyrics to the song "The Cat Came Back", with pencil drawings to accompany it. These are the only two items from said book that have managed to stick in memory.

I, too, have seen no evidence that any other human being had heard of this until now; albeit also due to lack of question-pointery.

[vr-trakowski.livejournal.com]

I picked it up as a kid somewhere--possibly summer camp in Pennsylvania, though I can't be sure. I remember lining up my younger brother and two of his friends, with props (two capes and a sparkly tunic, it's what was on hand), to perform it for our parents. They were less entertained than I'd hoped for.

[handful-ofdust.livejournal.com]

We used to do it at my house, too. Also, my Dad would say, of something mislaid: "Gone, gone, and never called me mother." I later discovered that this is a classic tearjerker line from the melodrama Under the Gaslights.

[anderyn.livejournal.com]

I learned it from my great-grandparents, I think. I never saw the napkin used. My husband knows it too.

My husband and I do it sometimes -- though our version is:
"You MUST pay the rent!"
"I can't pay the rent!"
"You MUST pay the rent. Bwah hah hah."
"I can't pay the rent."
"I'LL pay the rent!"
"Foiled again!"

[strange-selkie.livejournal.com]

Yep, the last line needs to be "Curses, foiled again!"

[snowy-owlet.livejournal.com]

This is the variant we did too. I love the memory of my grandmother twirling her invisible mustache.

[gaudior.livejournal.com]

Yes! Not my family, but my best friend's.

They also included Triumphal Music! as the hero rode in to the rescue, with the intonation of a trumpet.

[time-shark.livejournal.com]

I recall this being done as a short on "The Electric Company."

[samhenderson.livejournal.com]

I think I heard it at school, and brought it home.

[larryhammer]

I believe I learned it at school but possibly also through PBS children's television, if not in the reverse order, in the "you must pay the rent" variant.

---L.

[teenybuffalo.livejournal.com]

A close friend would do that with a pleated napkin as hairbow, mustache, and bowtie, in exactly the words you use.

Then she would mix up the gender and power roles by having the hairbowed schoolgirl threaten to foreclose on the mustached villain, till the bowtied hero came along and saved him from her. I liked that one, too.

[kenjari.livejournal.com]

I cannot recall ever learning this, although it does feel vaguely familiar, so maybe I did see the Electric Company version - my sister and I loved that show when we were little.

[ap-aelfwine.livejournal.com]

I don't believe I've ever heard of this before, although I was made familiar with the principle of thirty-second parody of Victorian melodrama by cartoons in my childhood. I don't remember any of my grandparents doing it, although I suppose it's possible one of my grandfathers might have done, as the one died before I was born and the other I don't really remember.

It's charming. Thank you for sharing the memory.

[chomiji]

That's approximately the version I knew. We'd sometimes mix it up by having the hero save the day by offering to marry the villain!

[sovay]

We'd sometimes mix it up by having the hero save the day by offering to marry the villain!

I approve!

[rushthatspeaks.livejournal.com]

My mother a) does this, verbatim and b) has no idea where it comes from, since when I asked she explained that she got it from her uncle.

[sovay]

I got it at summer camp, circa 1960. Largely Jewish girls from the Northeast and Canada.

Do you know where any of them (pace Tom Lehrer) got it?

[sovay]

Grandfather: "My, my, I knew the U.S. Marines would come through in the end!"

*snerk*

Yours is the first version with names—they're very stage-Victorian. I wonder where they came in, or whether in other versions they dropped out.

[sovay]

I shall watch my mother closely, though, to see if she does it to my children.

I love the idea of these things as spontaneously evolving grandparent behaviors. It would explain why certain jokes can only be traced so far.

[sovay]

I learned it at public school, I think -- the same variation as nineweaving.

Public school where?

(I'm trying to figure out if, like certain playground rhymes before the advent of the internet, it's geographically distinctive.)