I love this. I should reread these books. I remember having a conflicted relationship with them as a young teen; I remember being unsettled in a way I couldn't quite deal with. I think perhaps I wanted a more classic happy ending at the time. But for that very reason, I think I might like them much better now.

And some of what you talk about above are actually among the reasons why I ended up loving the Magicians books as much as I did. They resonated with me in a way I'm not sure they would have a decade or two ago, when I was both less jaded and less aware of how valuable the world is and how important it is to hold onto. The resonance was not quite in this exact way, but I really, really loved what those book ended up having to say about engaging with the magic worlds of childhood as an adult, and outgrowing them in order to move on with your adult life, but still keeping a conduit to childhood open. Sometimes it's more important to be the person who makes magic doorways for other children who need them.