These are feelings from one to another

[sovay]

Obviously it would make a better story if I had won a Lammy, but I lost along with everyone else in my category to Isaac R. Fellman's The Breath of the Sun (2018). I am not sorry to have attended the ceremony. I got to hear acceptance speeches by Barbara Smith, Masha Gessen, and Larissa Lai, plus the roar of applause that Anthony Rapp got for existing onstage as a presenter. rushthatspeaks texted that they hoped I was having fun and I responded honestly, "There's fundraising karaoke happening in front of me. It's great." Justin Vivian Bond hosted in a glittery flapper skirt and a T-shirt reading "THEY POWER." I had a very great quantity of eel beforehand with ladymondegreen at Soho Sushi and some very delicious sautéed burdock afterward with Michael Cisco and Farah Rose Smith at Sobaya as well as consolatory drinks at Angel's Share, which is the bar you find by walking through a random side door in Village Yokocho. Earlier in the afternoon I visited the Strand and left with a hardcover of Barbara Hambly's Sold Down the River (2000), otherwise known as the hardcover Benjamin January that I could justify to myself because I did not already own it in any other form. Liz Ziemska's Mandelbrot the Magnificent (2017) came home with me on account of looking like terrific ghost-poem gematriya.

I remember when I went to Wiscon in 2005. I enjoyed multiple aspects of that weekend, but it was also a space in which I had been told I would feel at home and in fact felt badly alienated. I had no expectations of feeling at home at the Lambda Literary Awards, especially since it was a social event at which I knew no one else attending, but I am now processing the information that I do seem to feel more comfortable in majority-queer spaces. Which I have been in before, several households of people important to me fit the definition, mine's at least a fifty-fifty split, but there were a whole lot of people of various genders and orientations in that auditorium expressing them variously (and mostly looking great while doing it, though that's incidental to the point) and they did not make me feel like I was doing mine wrong. I'm not sure yet what to do with this fact. It's useful to know. I'm just used to feeling on the outside of wherever I am.

A total stranger screamed enthusiastically when my name was announced for LGBTQ Science Fiction/Fantasy/Horror. They were sitting a row behind me to the left; I never had any idea who they were. That was heart-melting.

Tomorrow is more trains. I shall sleep.

Comments

[nineweaving]

How utterly fabulous! Your winning would have set the Elise Matthesen crown on the evening, but that squeal was pretty damned wonderful.

Nine

[sovay]

Your winning would have set the Elise Matthesen crown on the evening, but that squeal was pretty damned wonderful.

Thank you. I was not expecting it!

[rosefox]

I'm so glad you had a good time and got to feel like you belonged. And hooray for that excellent stranger!

(I had a very similar experience at Wiscon. It is Not For Me.)

[sovay]

I'm so glad you had a good time and got to feel like you belonged. And hooray for that excellent stranger!

Thank you!

(I had a very similar experience at Wiscon. It is Not For Me.)

(That is a useful data point! I got my elisem necklace-coronet out of it, at least.)

[thisbluespirit]

Aw, I'm glad it went so well, even if it didn't also include winning. It sounds as if the winning happened in other forms. <3

[sovay]

Aw, I'm glad it went so well, even if it didn't also include winning. It sounds as if the winning happened in other forms.

Thank you. I think that is a fair way to think of it.

[wpadmirer]

Sounds like a lovely evening. And it's always good when you find your people.

[sovay]

Sounds like a lovely evening. And it's always good when you find your people.

I am really glad I went.

[julian]

Aw, man, this made me grin. Belonging is great.

(Also, total strangers squeeing. Coolness.)

[sovay]

Aw, man, this made me grin. Belonging is great.

Thank you.

(Also, total strangers squeeing. Coolness.)

(I figured I was just going to get polite applause! It was really validating!)

[aurumcalendula]

That sounds lovely - I'm glad you had a good time!

[sovay]

That sounds lovely - I'm glad you had a good time!

Thank you! It was totally worth the travel.

[asakiyume]

Aww, that is *wonderful* about the anonymous fan, and wonderful that you felt so at home. It sounds like the event was full of joy. (Regarding Wiscon, I get the impression that it's highly normative--I mean that it has its own orthodoxy that it holds to very strongly--which is alienating if you deviate from the norm in some way.)

And your meals! Eel and burdock--YUM. I love Japanese-style burdock, and I love eel!

[sovay]

It sounds like the event was full of joy.

It was. People were so happy to be there. People were so happy to win. I was glad to be part of it.

(Regarding Wiscon, I get the impression that it's highly normative--I mean that it has its own orthodoxy that it holds to very strongly--which is alienating if you deviate from the norm in some way.)

I think every con has its own culture; I just didn't mesh with theirs. I suspect I would have had an easier time if so many people had not told me I'd just fit right in and then I didn't.

And your meals! Eel and burdock--YUM. I love Japanese-style burdock, and I love eel!

I don't think I'd ever had burdock so as to distinguish its flavor before! It was kimpira-gobo, sautéed with carrot and rice wine; it was delicious. It had many of the properties I love of seaweed salad except that it tasted completely different. (Michael also shared with me some of his glacéed satsuma-imo and that was something else I had not had before; it tasted like a cross between an apple and a sweet potato, which are definitely forms of starch that go together, but are not usually literally the same plant.)

[drinkingcocoa]

This post is a fantastic explanation of the phrase "honor just to be nominated." Ohhhh. That's what a nomination is. It's telling you where people think your writing belongs and with whom. Wow.

[sovay]

That's what a nomination is. It's telling you where people think your writing belongs and with whom. Wow.

Masha Gessen spoke of feeling not like an immigrant from one country or an inhabitant of another, but a citizen of the queer diaspora. That is not entirely the way I think about it, but it resonates. It resonated with a lot of people in that room.

[selkie]

I am now processing the information that I do seem to feel more comfortable in majority-queer spaces.

*pets*

You're extremely bright! It's what I've always liked about you! And so social, for an actual bipedal cat!

(Seriously, I thought you would have an immense time, and I'm glad you did. You deserve it.)

[sovay]

You're extremely bright! It's what I've always liked about you! And so social, for an actual bipedal cat!

And not unusually dressed for my surroundings! I had worried, never having done an awards ceremony before. The range of queer fashion is much more congenial than the range of not.

(Seriously, I thought you would have an immense time, and I'm glad you did. You deserve it.)

Thank you. I'm glad I went!

*hugs*

[sartorias]

That scream is pretty damn cool.

Also sounds like a lovely space.

[sovay]

That scream is pretty damn cool.

It was so unexpected and so nice.

Also sounds like a lovely space.

It was! People were cool.

[umadoshi]

I'm glad it was such a lovely evening!

[sovay]

I'm glad it was such a lovely evening!

Thank you!

[sholio]

Oh, that's great; I'm so glad you had a good experience. :)

[sovay]

Oh, that's great; I'm so glad you had a good experience.

Thank you!

[gwynnega]

I'm glad you had such a wonderful time.

[sovay]

I'm glad you had such a wonderful time.

Thank you!

[ranalore]

I'm so glad you had a great experience. I would have screamed for you, too. (I have never been to Wiscon. The more I hear about its culture, the more I think this is perhaps a good thing.)

[sovay]

I'm so glad you had a great experience. I would have screamed for you, too.

Aw. Thank you!

(I have never been to Wiscon. The more I hear about its culture, the more I think this is perhaps a good thing.)

I know people for whom it is an important annual-communal experience! I just turned out not to be one of them.

[kore]

Aww. Some other people I know lost, too, bit of a bummer.

A total stranger screamed enthusiastically when my name was announced for LGBTQ Science Fiction/Fantasy/Horror

ADORABLE.

[sovay]

Aww. Some other people I know lost, too, bit of a bummer.

I tell myself awards are like auditions: you never know what they're looking for. Who were you rooting for?

[heavenscalyx]

It’s interesting — I have had exactly the opposite feeling about the Lammys vs Wiscon. It may be that I’m a little sensitive because I don’t feel like they treat the SF/F/H category with any amount of respect (granted the dating joke for this one was more good-spirited than the one made at the 2016 one where my book was a finalist). I’ve also always felt alienated by non-geeky queer spaces (it may be attached to my brief attempts to date nongeeky women in college before I went back into the closet for awhile, only to reemerge to date thoroughly geeky women and nb folk), and I feel like Wiscon has gotten much queerer over the times I’ve been able to attend.

[sovay]

(granted the dating joke for this one was more good-spirited than the one made at the 2016 one where my book was a finalist)

I believe you. I barely remember any of the introduction to the category; I was just breathing and listening.

and I feel like Wiscon has gotten much queerer over the times I’ve been able to attend.

That is reassuring if I ever want to give it another try. I tend to feel alienated by spaces in general, which is why this one was such a surprise!

[cyphomandra]

That sounds fantastic! I'm glad it was a great evening (and enjoy the trains).

[sovay]

That sounds fantastic! I'm glad it was a great evening (and enjoy the trains).

Thank you!

[dramaticirony]

I'm glad you had an even better time than anticipated among such stylish people!

[sovay]

I'm glad you had an even better time than anticipated among such stylish people!

Thank you!