Be safe, be seen, be anyone you like

[sovay]

While looking for something else, I found a page of notes I made to myself last summer, it looks like on the way to/during NecronomiCon. The first one reads as though it might have been shaping up to be a post, but I have (appropriately) no idea where it was going:

There are ways in which traveling by myself, especially at night, feels better than going anywhere else any other way. This strikes me as dangerous and also in some way irresponsible: one of the classic noir fantasies is to walk right out of your life and into someone else's and in most of these stories someone forgets to mind the gap. Taking the night train is itself like traveling into a dream. Outside of the safe confines of routine, you might be anyone. Might even surprise yourself. Pleasantly or unpleasantly, the journey doesn't care. Like Dionysos. When the walls fall down, it's just you against the sky, and you'd better be strong enough to stand on your own. So many characters in these dream plays find out they aren't.

In other news, I just read my own dream record dating back to 1999 (some years nothing written down, some years it's like I was never even awake) and I think I have some kind of reflective hangover. What I wish I had was the breathing room to write fiction. I feel terribly as though I am forgetting, or have already forgotten, how.

[edit] I took a hot shower and reminded myself that I am underslept and still sick to the point that I may bail on tomorrow's chorus rehearsal and that tonight's Hanukkah party was a success but also intensely full of people: in other words, not in good condition for accurate self-evaluation. I suspect it did not help to transcribe a bunch of half-finished introspection. I am going to read some more Raymond Durgnat, who delighted me almost on page one by suggesting that one could read Psycho (1960) as a werewolf story, as I do, and see what I can do about the sleep end of this problem.

Comments

[thisbluespirit]

What I wish I had was the breathing room to write fiction. I feel terribly as though I am forgetting, or have already forgotten, how.

I'm sorry - I hope for your sake it becomes possible again asap, but also for all of ours as well!

[sovay]

I'm sorry - I hope for your sake it becomes possible again asap, but also for all of ours as well!

Thank you! It helps to feel there would be an audience. Also, see edit: the absence of breathing room is a real problem, but I think I am feeling unnecessarily dismal about its effects, and instead of thinking about them I should probably try to sleep.

[thisbluespirit]

Yes, that sounds like a plan. <3

[sovay]

Yes, that sounds like a plan.

I did not get as much sleep as I wanted, but I have had an incredibly inefficient day, so I hope that counts for something.

I could try to write to a prompt if you wanted, although I don't know that I can make promises.

[thisbluespirit]

Yes, I read your other post now and that just sucked. *hugs*

I could try to write to a prompt if you wanted, although I don't know that I can make promises.

I was going to say YAY and also I can't think of things! And then I remembered, that's why I collect random generators. So in the interests of nothing other than maybe raising a smile at least (and if a few words, then that's wonderful), I put a rather random collection of people in the genremixer:

Evy Carnahan / Sapphire / Van Helsing - Lights & reunions
Steel / Van Helsing / Silver - Forest & hostile climate
Van Helsing / Curium - Awe/Wonder & Tradition & historical roleplay
Sapphire / Silver - Reunited
Steel / Sapphire - tragic past & family & insomnia
Curium / Lead - Speed dating
Steel / Sapphire - Hotel/Motel & Pillow/Blanket fort
Sapphire / Evy Carnahan / Curium - tentacles
Sapphire / Van Helsing - Milestone
Sherlock Holmes / Curium / Sapphire - werewolves & Hotel/Motel & Opposites
Sapphire - five things
Evy Carnahan / Curium - Private
Sapphire / Steel - Hangover & Unicorns
Lead / Evy Carnahan - closeted & poltergeist

(I meant to delete more, but they're too much fun, so I left most of them.)

[sovay]

(I meant to delete more, but they're too much fun, so I left most of them.)

Thank you! I will see if anything happens. "Hangover & Unicorns," wow.

[thisbluespirit]

"Hangover & Unicorns," wow.

I love that generator. And I only refreshed it once, so that is what remains undeleted of the first 20. It got tentacles in pretty quick, I was glad to see. ;-)

[asakiyume]

THERE IS AN AUDIENCE. Remember Brit Mandelo's words.

In the SFF community it can sometimes feel like we're only writing for each other and that no one else ever sees/has interest in what we're doing. On the one hand, hey! That's a pretty awesome community to be writing for. But I'd like to also add that your writing--here I'm not talking generic you but Sovay-you--does reach a wider audience. It's just that those readers don't *talk* much (don't leave reviews, aren't active online). But you know they're out there from the random comments you find from time to time referring to you. There are readers. I was aware of/impressed by your writing before I knew you here.

... I hope you did get some sleep.

[sovay]

THERE IS AN AUDIENCE. Remember Brit Mandelo's words.

I am working on it!

But you know they're out there from the random comments you find from time to time referring to you. There are readers. I was aware of/impressed by your writing before I knew you here.

I don't think I knew that about you. Thank you for telling me.

... I hope you did get some sleep.

I did, although I appear to have woken up from it sicker than I went to sleep. I am going to try to have a very quiet day.

[lemon_badgeress]

That's not fair. Your body REALLY needs a remedial course in sleeping.

...man if i could make that a real thing i would be so many people's Best People Ever.

[sovay]

...man if i could make that a real thing i would be so many people's Best People Ever.

You would.

[asakiyume]

What you wrote about traveling at night really resonates so strongly. YES TRUE. Walk away from everything, even your own shadow, obliterated by the dark, and into something else.

Re: your last paragraph, I'm glad you know that the circumstances aren't right for self evaluation. I know you know also that moods can come and sit on you (generic you), extending their Borg tubules into you and filling you with all sorts of destructive notions about yourself. Re: your penultimate paragraph, and relating to the ultimate one, you have to let the record speak for itself. You have **published** fiction every year that I've known you, I believe? Including the last couple. Maybe not all that fiction was *written* in those years, but the Vulcan in me feels it is illogical to conclude you're forgetting or have forgotten how, and that it's the nanoprobes that are giving you this perception. ... I apologize; it's the Voyager rewatch we've been doing. Please switch to a better metaphor. Little Wittgenstein is tried and true.

[sovay]

Re: your last paragraph, I'm glad you know that the circumstances aren't right for self evaluation.

I just got hit with this swamping wave of you are good at none of the things you do (but you used to be better once, which is worse). There are real problems. I just decided I wasn't going to solve any of them exhausted and overpeopled at four in the morning.

Walk away from everything, even your own shadow, obliterated by the dark, and into something else.

That's so good. Please turn it into something.

... I apologize; it's the Voyager rewatch we've been doing.

How's it going? phi showed me a bunch of Voyager a few years ago; I really enjoyed it.

[asakiyume]

That's so good. Please turn it into something. --thank you very much for that... I might. If I do, I'll share.

Voyager rewatch: We embarked on it after having finished a Deep Space Nine watch-through. I had not been interested in watching Deep Space Nine back in the day, so I'd seen only a handful of episodes. I ended up really, really liking the show. Voyager, by contrast, I'd seen a lot of (though not all of), and I *thought* I liked it. On a rewatch, I've realized that I only really liked it after Seven of Nine joined the show (which just goes to show that that character was not there only for adolescent boys; I think she's brilliant). There are occasional episodes before that which I like, but the antagonists they set up in the first half of the run are just dreadful (boring and stupid), and there is *so much* entrenched, uncommented-on sexism--despite having a female captain. Mainly it shows itself in planets they visit that duplicate 1950s-TV/film sex roles--or popular conceptions of sex roles from earlier eras. Tedious. Also, Captain Janeway is, for me, annoyingly sure of her values and happy to condescend to everyone she meets when talking about those values.** It's great to have Seven of Nine around to offer pushback. Also, Seven of Nine is that rare female character who refuses, who says no, who contradicts the people around her, without apology, defensiveness, or, for that matter, self-aggrandizement or bombast--just self-assurance. It's a thing of beauty to behold.

**Admittedly that's a trait she shares with the male captains in the franchise, but I may have some internalized misogyny going on that dislikes hearing it especially from her.

ETA: I realized after blathering on that I was writing as if you hadn't seen any episodes of the show and hadn't expressed an opinion! I don't mean to be overly negative--I still do like the show overall, upon reflection... just I like it *more* once it has Seven of Nine.

[sovay]

--thank you very much for that... I might. If I do, I'll share.

Yay!

I had not been interested in watching Deep Space Nine back in the day, so I'd seen only a handful of episodes. I ended up really, really liking the show.

I bounced off it completely back in the day, but at skygiants' instigation wound up watching several of the good Ferengi-centric episodes and had a wonderful time. spatch loves the show, full stop.

Mainly it shows itself in planets they visit that duplicate 1950s-TV/film sex roles--or popular conceptions of sex roles from earlier eras. Tedious.

And even more so now than in the late '90's, I suspect.

Also, Seven of Nine is that rare female character who refuses, who says no, who contradicts the people around her, without apology, defensiveness, or, for that matter, self-aggrandizement or bombast--just self-assurance. It's a thing of beauty to behold.

Similarly, I know from other people's reactions that she was valuable then, but she feels like even more of a treasure now. That kind of character written female is still unusual.

I realized after blathering on that I was writing as if you hadn't seen any episodes of the show and hadn't expressed an opinion!

I'm not insulted! phi essentially showed me the good parts version of Voyager, which I think was the correct decision on their part. The two or three times I'd tried to watch it while I was airing, I'd been driven away. As it is, I know I've seen a carefully hand-curated slice of the show, just a carefully hand-curated slice of the show which proved that if the writers had put that much attention into every episode, it would have been one of the high points of long-form serial sci-fi.

[asakiyume]

I'm all for that sort of curating! It lets people experience the best of a show--if they want to go back and see the whole thing for completionism's sake (or some other reason), they always can.

And yeah, some of those Ferengi episodes in Deep Space Nine were very good.

[choco_frosh]

It was a good party! And yes, you should definitely sleep before you let Tiny Wittgenstein out of his [cage? closet? ball gag?]

[sovay]

It was a good party!

Good!

And yes, you should definitely sleep before you let Tiny Wittgenstein out of his [cage? closet? ball gag?]

I honestly think he has a tiny office somewhere. I was trying to figure out how actual Wittgenstein would have felt about being invited to a Hanukkah party, but I suspect the answer would have been, as with so many other things about Wittgenstein, "deeply awkward."

[a_reasonable_man]

Actually, if you switched around the sentence about dreams and night trains, this passage could be a fine motto for that dream chapbook you mentioned.

[sovay]

Actually, if you switched around the sentence about dreams and night trains, this passage could be a fine motto for that dream chapbook you mentioned.

So noted.

[yhlee]

*support support* I hope the sick goes away soonest and that you get some sleep.

[sovay]

I hope the sick goes away soonest and that you get some sleep.

Thank you. I got sleep, but am also more sick. I think it's a draw?

*hugs*

[selkie]

*gently chloroforms T. Witt and lowers him into the bitters jar*

You have an audience. C'mon, fight me about it.

*hugs* I mean, don't, but honey badger support is on offer. I hope you get good sleep.

[sovay]

I mean, don't, but honey badger support is on offer. I hope you get good sleep.

Thank you. I stayed asleep from about six in the morning until shortly after noon, which I am afraid is going to have to count.

I think my plan for today is "watch something, make it to pharmacy before they close, otherwise do not move."

*hugs*

[selkie]

GOOD PLAN.

*lavishly fly-papers T. Witt so he can catch all the germs instead of you doing that*

[gwynnega]

I hope you got some sleep and that you feel better soon. I am confident you will write fiction again.

Also, I would love to hear more about Psycho as a werewolf story.

[sovay]

I hope you got some sleep and that you feel better soon. I am confident you will write fiction again.

Thank you.

Also, I would love to hear more about Psycho as a werewolf story.

If I ever get my act together to write about Psycho, I'll say more! I (unexpectedly) loved that movie so much, I have had a terrible time writing about it. There is a small class of movies this happens with and it's incredibly frustrating.

[davidgillon]

it might have been shaping up to be a post, but I have (appropriately) no idea where it was going:

There are ways in which traveling by myself, especially at night, feels better than going anywhere else any other way. This strikes me as dangerous and also in some way irresponsible: one of the classic noir fantasies is to walk right out of your life and into someone else's and in most of these stories someone forgets to mind the gap. Taking the night train is itself like traveling into a dream. Outside of the safe confines of routine, you might be anyone. Might even surprise yourself. Pleasantly or unpleasantly, the journey doesn't care. Like Dionysos. When the walls fall down, it's just you against the sky, and you'd better be strong enough to stand on your own. So many characters in these dream plays find out they aren't.

It reads to me like it wants to be a poem. A lot of your writing feels, unsurprisingly, poetic, but this seems to have the core imagery to sculpt something from.

[sovay]

A lot of your writing feels, unsurprisingly, poetic, but this seems to have the core imagery to sculpt something from.

Thank you.