I believe that there's a ledger somewhere, somewhere the days go

[sovay]

This is the first year in a long time that I have wanted to be at services and am not. I didn't know I would feel that way until the start of the Days of Awe. I don't even know where I would have looked for a walk-in congregation around here. I know the year moves no matter where I am, the book in which lives are written opens (like wings, like a heart) and closes; I cannot do the things for which I need a community, but I can light the candles as I did last night, for the dead of my family by name and as always for the dead whose names I do not know, which I do not believe to be part of the common ritual, but it crept up in my family and it matters. I fast when my health permits. This year I'm drinking a lot of hot liquids.

Despite years of Reform services in childhood and a brief but intense period of Conservative Egal attendance in college and grad school, the only part of the Yom Kippur liturgy I retain by memory these days is the refrain of the Al Chet: v'al kulam Eloah s'lichot, s'lach lanu, m'chal lanu, kaper lanu. For all these things, God of forgiveness, forgive us, pardon us, grant us atonement. The words themselves are not enough to ensure forgiveness; they mark the recognition of the harmful behavior, to be followed by the work of not engaging in it further and making restitution for the damage it has done. That last is the tricky part, easy to fail (easy to see the failures all over the news these days). But the words are not unimportant. They are accountability. They are the consenting. They are looking at your life and deciding if these actions, this memory, is what you wish to outlive you. All you have is the world and the way you leave it. No one will remember me in the end (families die out, civilizations collapse, planets burn, the universe thins out to heat death), but that does not mean it is not my responsibility to do more healing than harm in the time I have, for the sake of as many generations as will follow me.

I feel a lot of the time like the story of the forest and the fire and the prayer. If all I can do is tell the story, then that is what I must.

And that is the sort of thing I think about this year on Yom Kippur.

Comments

[asakiyume]

No one will remember me in the end (families die out, civilizations collapse, planets burn, the universe thins out to heat death)

--I'm having déjà vu; I have read someone else expressing this exact sentiment, with some, but not all, of these same parentheticals.

It must be on a lot of minds.

We work, we sometimes harm through action or inaction; we try to do better ... which is to say, we work.

[sovay]

--I'm having déjà vu; I have read someone else expressing this exact sentiment, with some, but not all, of these same parentheticals.

It may have been me at some point in the past. It's a thing I believe.

We work, we sometimes harm through action or inaction; we try to do better ... which is to say, we work.

What else can you do?

[cmcmck]

Given the missing aspect of my own family, I really do value these posts.

[sovay]

Given the missing aspect of my own family, I really do value these posts.

Thank you.

[lauradi7dw]

Closest walk-in no ticket services to you are probably at Havurat Shalom (probably in the midst of the afternoon service right now)
http://www.thehav.org/

I am streaming the afternoon service from Central Synagogue in NYC, nearly over.
https://www.centralsynagogue.org/worship/live_streaming
https://www.centralsynagogue.org/

[kore]

Wow, it really IS the future. Thank you!

Cantor Mutlu has a gorgeous voice ("featured soloist on Musica Omnia and Trinity Choir Wall Street’s release Handel: Israel in Egypt," WOW), altho I gotta admit the sight of any religious figure in front of a congregation holding a guitar makes me flash briefly but vividly back to my seventies childhood in northern CA.

[sovay]

I gotta admit the sight of any religious figure in front of a congregation holding a guitar makes me flash briefly but vividly back to my seventies childhood in northern CA.

The first rabbi I ever encountered was the guitar-playing Reform rabbi of my grandparents' congregation; I have good associations.

[sovay]

I am streaming the afternoon service from Central Synagogue in NYC, nearly over.

I hope it was good. Rabbi Buchdahl's Rosh Hashanah sermon was deservedly attention-getting.

[phi]

*hugs*
Belatedly, I hope you had an easy fast. G'mar tov

[sovay]

Belatedly, I hope you had an easy fast. G'mar tov

Thank you! It was broken with good food.

*hugs*

[kore]

The words themselves are not enough to ensure forgiveness; they mark the recognition of the harmful behavior, to be followed by the work of not engaging in it further and making restitution for the damage it has done. That last is the tricky part, easy to fail (easy to see the failures all over the news these days). But the words are not unimportant. They are accountability. They are the consenting. They are looking at your life and deciding if these actions, this memory, is what you wish to outlive you. All you have is the world and the way you leave it.

This is really beautiful, thank you.

[sovay]

This is really beautiful, thank you.

You're welcome. Thank you.

[selkie]

It is sufficient. 'S the point of that story. *hugs*

[sovay]

It is sufficient. 'S the point of that story.

Thank you.

*hugs*

[rosefox]

for the dead of my family by name and as always for the dead whose names I do not know, which I do not believe to be part of the common ritual, but it crept up in my family and it matters

We do it at my congregation, and also specifically honor the victims of abuse, gun violence, and institutional violence. It's one of the things I like best about how services are done here.

You would be very welcome at our walk-in service next year or any year, if you happen to find yourself in New York at the right time.

[sovay]

We do it at my congregation, and also specifically honor the victims of abuse, gun violence, and institutional violence. It's one of the things I like best about how services are done here.

I like knowing that. It's one of the things my family does that feels like the ritual pared down to the most important thing, like opening the door to the stranger at Pesach, but I never encountered it in an actual synagogue.

You would be very welcome at our walk-in service next year or any year, if you happen to find yourself in New York at the right time.

Thank you.

[drwex]

I can light the candles as I did last night

We also do this. I did not, growing up conservative, but Pygment says she always has and so we do now.

I'm sorry you were not able to find a way to be where you wanted. Yesterday, as at R.H. I wanted to be out walking but the rain thwarted me. I slept instead.

I remain agnostic and non-congregational, but feeling much better for having connected with a community (albeit peripherally) that unites my childhood traditions, ethical beliefs, and modern political leanings. My Judaism is weird. Ma nishtanah.

[sovay]

We also do this. I did not, growing up conservative, but Pygment says she always has and so we do now.

I thought candlelighting at eve of holidays was traditional for all branches of Judaism, and then the yahrzeit candle for Yom Kippur because it is one of the four times a year when those who have been appropriately bereaved say Yizkor. As above, it was one of my family's few ritual constants, especially after my grandmother died. How did your family do it?

I remain agnostic and non-congregational, but feeling much better for having connected with a community (albeit peripherally) that unites my childhood traditions, ethical beliefs, and modern political leanings.

I am glad then that you have that.

[drwex]

I do not think we lit candles for Erev YK, but my memory on most childhood things is nonexistent/hazy at best so I might be wrong about that.

[sovay]

I do not think we lit candles for Erev YK, but my memory on most childhood things is nonexistent/hazy at best so I might be wrong about that.

Or you might be right. I was not saying that your family did Judaism wrong: just that I thought of it as one of my family's few observances. If it's something your family does now, that's what matters.