Well, I think your lines look as though they just occurred to you in a thunderclap of perfectly evocative prose. But that's just me :P Still, I know that searching for the right arrangement of the right words... and when your mind won't light on the right one, its just wrong somehow, although you don't know why.

By the way, did you mean "place-of-pride"? Or am I missing something? <--- more likely.